Crazy Bullet Dodged!

I almost forgot! For those of you who haven't had the chance to talk to me or see my cabarets in the last month, you may not know the latest of my romantic debacles!! I'm kinda glad that I had actually forgotten about it when I was posting the latest post! I assume that means it is no longer in the forefront of my concerns.

I had reconnected with an old boyfriend from college recently and we embarked on a rekindling of the relationship. It was so great to reconnect and although he seemed to be all guns fast forward in the beginning I kinda caught up to him. It felt so nice to have someone seem to feel love for me and appreciate me. To keep the story short, the basic crux is I believe he's got some major mental issues to deal with and he told me he couldn't get it up or keep it up because I was "extremely overweight". You should read the long crazy email he sent me, explaining himself! Whew! Thank God I dodged that crazy bullet!

This is the thing. I don't think there are many people who are truly without sensitivities or insecurities based on their appearance. But, someone who chooses to be in a relationship with someone even though they know there are not physically attracted to them, but doesn't reveal it until they are naked in bed with them? hmm...yeah, not classy, not caring and downright mean. I can't say it all didn't affect me, because it did. But, once I got a hold of what was a true reality and not his opinion, I could see the problems he faces. And I am happy to not have to deal with those.

I don't workout because he made me feel bad about myself. I was already working on it. But, now I do have an extra "fuck you, just you wait and see" bug that is buzzing a little bit inside me. But, he doesn't really get that much of me. He deserves none of me. I'm doing this for myself and my life will always be full of special, caring and wonderful people. He's not one of them. Besides, now I've been able to sing Goldrich & Heisler's fabulous song, "Fifteen Pounds" and have a great back story for it! His lesson, you ask? Don't date a cabaret artist, fuck with them and expect to not get in the show! Welcome to the freak list!

Kickin' some Box Ass!

Time seems to keep going by so swiftly! I have now been in Hoop Dee Doo for over a month! Feels like I'm almost never there, being that I only work 3 nights a week there. The show was a great reminder of how bad my cardio status has been over the last years. I used to keep saying that I had been out of shape for 2 years. I'm almost afraid to calculate how long it REALLY has been. But, I guess in the honor of full disclosure, let's see! It must be '07. That was when I did the Dublin Marathon in October and then the 13.1 w/Donna in JAX that Feb. of '08. So, let's say it's been 3 years since I've been physically active on a regular basis. Not as bad as I was thinking it might be, but yet, bad enough!

That being said, the show is helping me with cardio and breath support while dancing. During the break where I was too busy to work out with Chill I only gained 3 of the 15 pounds back. Not bad! It feels so good to be back working out with Chill!! He's so amazing and we have such great gut laughs along with the grunting and pushing! He's incorporated kickboxing into parts of the workout which kicks my ever lovin' ass! But, it's great! I am forcing myself to be patient as my body slowly adjusts to the KBox workout again. Because, when I am in the shape where I can really push myself and my limits in that workout, it makes me feel so empowered and satisfied! Patience, patience, patience!

Chill thought I was ready to get back into a class again so I joined him in a class and it was great! It was so nice to see Louie, who had been a fellow classmate with Mike Bell, years ago! Now he's the instructor! Good for him! He did a great job with the class. I tried to make sure I wasn't hitting or kicking too hard as I didn't want to injure myself like I had the last two times I went back to kickboxing. It felt so great to kick and punch and I really concentrated on form and technique as opposed to power for that class. Wellll.....I was sore that day, but by that next morning I felt like the honey badger had gotten a hold of me and given me a Cesarean section!! My muscles (you know those long diagonal muscles in the lower abs) were so sore and sensitive that I was having trouble even taking a poop!! And that wasn't hard pushing!!

Getting out of bed? Don't even talk about it! Getting up after sitting for long periods of time? Oy! Trying to find a waistband that wouldn't squish my swollen muscles in my down times? Forget about it! I kept searching for bruising or lumps...but nope, I had just "technique'd and form'd myself into a sore mess!!

After the 2nd day of sheer pain I got some relief. I had another appt. with Chill on the Tuesday and survived through the workout, including some kicks. By that next week's Monday, I was ready to take another kickboxing class. That was yesterday and I am sore, but not debilitated, thank goodness! And today I had another great workout with Chilly Willy! It's so fun to take KBox class with him too! It's like I get extra friend time! I don't know what fabulous thing I did in another lifetime, but I am so very, very lucky to have amazing friends like Chill!

Personally, it's nice to feel my muscles again, even the soreness. And seeing my ab definition just waiting to be chiseled out again is exciting and inspiring. I also bought a Food Saver so I can stop wasting veggies that I don't get a chance to cook or eat. Overall, I am doing a clean up in my life! Lose the weight, gain the strength, organize my finances, eat & drink the healthy balance. I need to make a vision board! I'll put that on my extensive list of things to do!!

I am also so very proud of my friend, Robin, who has been working out with Chill in preparation for her wedding! She was the most beautiful bride this past Saturday!! She had worked so hard and looked stunning in that dress!! Brava and thank you to Chill!! He is the BOMB!!!

Still tickin'!

Hi! Forgive me followers, for I have sinned. I haven't been to see Chill to workout for way too long due to a busy ass schedule. But...the good news is that I have been able to keep the 15 lbs. off and I have been to Planet Fitness to do the eliptical and my herbals have been helping me flush all the crap out! Literally! Wooh! My clothes feel so much better too and I can see my ab definition starting to come back!

I am excited to say that I will be starting a new job in a couple of weeks that will free up my schedule so I can have more time to work out with Chill and do cardio! The job will be physically demanding too so that will help get more activity. Maybe I should sign up for a 1/2 marathon to give myself a goal! It would feel good to be running again!

Tonight was a night of grilling veggies for the week. God, do I love veggies!!! They are just so fresh and grilling them just makes them that much more exciting! I also love the market where I get my produce! Eat More Produce on Mills in Orlando is just so great! Great produce, great service and terrific locally grown and organic choices!

So, let's hear it for possibilities! I'm gonna be kickin' ass and takin' names this Spring!! I'm gonna get that body back if it kills me!! Or, if Chill kills me!!!

Ciao, bloggers!

andi

New Year, New Me!!

It's been a while since I've blogged but it's not that I haven't been thinking about you all!!! AND, it doesn't mean I haven't been working on this little project of mine either! Let's see...to summarize, I've lost 7 lbs and kept them off even through the holidays!!! My favorite part about that is that I can pull my jeans off without unbuttoning!!! THAT is a perk I can handle!!

Working out with Chill has given me so much more confidence again. It sounds strange, but I really enjoy feeling the soreness of my muscles. It's almost as if I was walking around like a vapor before and now my body is slowly coming back into existence! Scheduling during the holidays can be rough, but we managed to get sessions in and they are always a blast!!

I was doing very well with my eating and drinking until Thanksgiving when I was bowled over by the death of a very close friend. All I wanted to do was cry, eat and drink. And, so I did. Holidays are always a bit stressful and melancholy but this grief and a full work schedule had my head swimming out of control. So, I took a break. I went home after work everyday to retreat, cry and hide. I couldn't even muster up the energy to attend the holiday parties for work. Stuck under the phantom elephant foot I felt on my chest, I became more and more aware of MY life's direction through the dense fog of grief.

What was I doing? What was coming next? Could I possibly survive another breakneck paced busy year? What should I focus on? I had really wanted a full-time position as an American Idol Experience Judge because of the shorter day's schedule, but that didn't pan out for me. So, again I was faced with the obstacles of time management for all I planned to do this coming year. So, I rested. I slept. I cried. I clung to friends that knew Desmond to share stories and memories. I spent time with close friends here and laughed.

December was a lot of traveling and work so my refrigerator stayed pretty empty and I was eating out or at gatherings. I love to cook and I missed having vegetables in the house. So, the other day I went back to my favorite produce place on Mills, "Eat More Produce" and stocked up on fresh, locally grown and organic veggies to make soups to freeze!!

So, although I haven't finalized my career goal focus for the year , I do know that I am committed to continue working out with Chill, doing more cardio and keeping my eating and drinking at smart levels! Oh, and Santa...if you can guarantee that I'll get laid ever again, this year would be a nice start! Thanks!

Incredible Hulk

I've always had bigger arms. Even when I was at my peak of fitness, my biceps were 12". Good Irish Milkmaiden arms I tell myself! So, I've always had issues with sleeves being too tight. Last night I put on one of my favorite t-shirts to wear to bed. It's a bright green long one with the words Peace & Love on it. It's length always made me feel safe to bend over without flashing anyone my tattoo. Recently I accepted that this t-shirt had to make the transition from 'wearable in public' to 'wear only at home'. Unable to let it go, I cut the sleeves a bit to accommodate my newly chubbing arms & shoulders. Well, last night, out of comfort, I found myself hand ripping each sleeve even more to free the chub from it's constriction. I thought little of it until I was brushing my teeth in front of the bathroom mirror. Toothpaste foamed mouth and jiggling flab on my arms, I stared back at myself...I looked like the Incredible Hulk. There's always a first time, right?

During this last week in NYC I felt like I had lost weight, my jeans being baggier, although I have no idea what I weighed before I left. Who knows, maybe it's a fringe benefit of the steroid shot that I got for my allergies! People kept asking me if I had lost weight and I wasn't sure how to answer. Do you say, "I think I did"~pathetic, right? Or is it just that disease I have that makes people remember me fatter than I am so after a long absence, I always look thinner to them. Mind you...I've always had that disease, no matter how thin or big I was; it's a gift! : )

1st workout accomplished!

Well, on Friday Chill & I had our first workout together in years!! It is always so much fun!! I love the new facility! Ok, so, it was a little embarrassing to hear myself panting while talking on the treadmill...but I've got to suffer through the bad cardio state to get to the good one again, right? I couldn't think of a better person to be embarrassed in front of than Chill! Cuz, Lord knows we laugh about it!

As I was brushing my teeth before the session, I became painfully aware of the crepey skin (Thanks 44~!) that was created from my now gargantuan boobs being smashed together in the 2 layers of spandex tops. But, what's a day without being able to shove two fat bits together for a little laugh! Of course, I want to keep these righteous boobs when I'm unfat, but Chill assured me that won't be the case. DAMNIT!!

He kept it simple and we gauged where I am with weight levels. It sounds crazy, but it felt like coming home being there with Chill & doing these familiar exercises. All the while, reminders of proper form, me inadvertantly skipping the 11th rep, and even a glimpse of empowerment! I had a "moment" while looking up at the overhead cable pull mechanism where the cable runs thru. I remembered proper form, I could feel my old muscles underneath, just waking up, excited to be used again! I could feel my old empowered and strong self somewhere underneath whisper in my ear..."it will happen...welcome home!" I wanted to cry...but I didn't, cuz I wasn't quite sure what my butt muscles were going to whisper to me! I just prayed I wouldn't crap my pants on a squat!!

We always do abs towards the end of the workout and they were always my favorite. I remember that the first ab workout was always fun and felt easy since your muscles are like noodles. Abs are my favorite since when I am in shape, they are my strong suit. But, as I felt good about how many crunches I was able to do, I couldn't stop chortling!! A vision of myself trying to get out of bed the next day was all the comedy my mind needed!! I envisioned either slowly sliding myself head first off the bed or even better, rolling out like a sardine out of a can!

So, now, day 2 after the workout (always the worst for soreness), I am feeling good! I really am enjoying feeling the presence of my muscles again...reminding me they need me to work them out and applauding me for getting into gear. Granted, I wobble like an old man when I first get up from sitting, but I remember that reality too!!

After almost 2 yrs. of waking up early for work, now my body decides it wants to get up early even on days off. Yesterday I got up early and decided to go feet first into my cooking for the week! Acorn squash, rutabega, spinach with sesame, grilled chicken and mahi! I also individually ziploc'd my portions of fruit and breakfast squares. Nothing better than listening to "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me" on NPR while cooking!!

Before I close this post, I must admit something. After my workout on Friday I walked Robby and did a few things around the house but then I HAD to take a nap! My body was happy for the workout but it apparently needed a 3 HOUR NAP!! LOL!!! True story!

Have a great day everyone and thanks for the support! Feel free to send the link on to anyone you think might enjoy it!

I ask myself...How did this chub-rocket get so damn lucky!!!!?? Elated after posting the inaugural blog, I was so excited & touched by the response! I hope we all have a blast with it!

I just quickly want to share with you something amazing that happened to me yesterday. Years ago, I received a flyer in the mail advertising a special deal for a month of sessions with a personal trainer. I took the deal, kept with it for years with great results and started a wonderful lifelong friendship with an amazing man! Chill, yes, Chill is his name...and he has a scary clown tattoo, so don't laugh at his name! Well, yesterday, Chill contacted me to catch up. We've seen each other in the last years, but never for a long, real chat.

Freshly registered as a follower of my blog, Chill read it and wanted to help. When he said that, I knew he meant more than just giving me a "you go, girl!", "keep it up" message every once in a while on Facebook. It was 'come to Jesus' time!! I knew I had to tell him the entire truth. Patient as a lamb, Chill sat and listened to my description (my abridged version is STILL long...god, he's a saint!) of my journey to fatdom. It included many of the topics I'll be mentioning in later blog posts.

The intention behind his desire to help me was the real reason why I sat there in the dog park wiping away tears, interrupted only by the Husky almost peeing on him (twice!) or the random dog begging me for a butt scratch. This friend loves me way better than I love myself! And it pained him to think I didn't feel the same way. I have so many amazing people in my life that are in the same boat and I want to finally feel the same way they do! I have to admit...typing that last sentence makes every fiber of my gut gurgle with uneasiness. But, training my mind to love me will be way more difficult than training my body again!

So, the amazing thing that happened is that Chill has offered to train me!!! His generosity, caring and supportive friendship warms my heart so much and fills me with such joy and gratefulness!!! So, tomorrow, the journey begins!!! I feel safe to be my current jiggly, girthy self with Chill. I know we will work hard and will laugh even harder!! So, here we go, up the hill! Into the fire! Like Scottish warriors pillaging and burning Chubb Valley, we crusade!!!

Thank you, Chill...from the bottom of my heart.